Have you been wondering what Hangtime Holly even means? Well here it is: it means my hair got some hangtime honey, or in other words, length. The Holly part is really just alliteration.
Since I can remember, length and texture of a black woman's hair has not only been linked to her desirability but also her femininity. In my own personal hair journey, I remember always feeling ugly, for lack of a better word, because I had short, kinky 4c hair instead of the beloved "good" hair. You know what I'm talking about, that soft, long, bouncy spiral curl with the baby hairs to match. I used to get perms that severely damaged my hair in an attempt to fit myself in that mold. Let me tell you something, my hair wouldn't even grow past my neck because it was so weak and damaged. At one point, the nape of my neck was completely broken off. So not only did I not have the texture chile, I ain't have the length! I struggled so much with my hair to the point where it began to intertwined with my self-esteem. I didn't have low-self esteem, per se, but I was often reminded that I didn't have the features that the most desired girls had.
It wasn't until high school, where I started to transition my hair, focusing on the health, growth, and love that my hair needed. This took a lot of experimenting but also a number of set-backs, both socially and personally. I remember toward the end of high school when I really wanted to try a natural hairstyle. I took so much time trying to motivate myself and build up the confidence to do this, and when I did, I was told that I looked like a runaway slave by, you guessed it, a group of boys. That shit stuck with me, because it reinforced all those negative associations I had with my hair and what it meant to be desired. It took a lot of reflection and self-awareness to understand that those comments were the result of internalized racism and self-hate on their end and that those comments weren't a reflection of me.
Fast forward to college, where I've been fully transitioned to natural for about 3 years. I've come so far since my perm days because now my hair is nearly bra strapped length. I have a newfound relationship with my natural hair and it's a relationship full of admiration and love. I've done a tremendous amount of unlearning and relearning what it means to have the kinkiest of textures. Because of this, I have the confidence to go out with my natural hair regardless of how it's perceived by others. I do, however, also want to acknowledge the fact that I still have room for growth when it comes to how I view my hair in my personal journey.
Recently, I took some time to reflect on exactly what it means for my hair to be long to me. I think that the reason I wanted long hair so bad was to combat the notion that I, as a black girl with kinky ass hair, couldn't grow long hair and that it couldn't be beautiful. I think I've proven this to myself and frankly, that's all I care about at this point. However, like I mentioned earlier, I can't help but think about how black femininity is extremely tied up in having hair. I think about how right now, there is a movement of black women who have been literally shaving their heads and rocking fades and tapers. To me, this is a stance against the idea of what it means to be feminine among black women. I admire this so much but for some reason, thinking about taking this step for myself scares me. I'll continue to reflect more on this and do some unpacking and then I'll do an update lol. But thanks for tuning in y'all! I bet you didn't even expect a whole hair journey ;).
Until next time,
Erica